Irrational

So much for NaBloPoMo. I forgot this little thing where I essentially am not home for 2-3 days of the week, so I hit the first weekend and out the window it went. Ah well.

I am greatly annoyed with my neighbor. I don't know which one. They probably are not home. If they WERE home, they would hear the incessant chirping of their low-battery smoke alarm, and would do something about it. Remove the battery or replace it, for example. You know. Like normal people. I am subjected to this incessant chirping and it is making me angry. How can you sleep when you hear "chirp!" "chirp!" every 30 seconds?

I am recognizing here, publicly, that I have a fear. A big, secret fear. (Is it publicly if you're announcing it on a blog that nobody reads?) My fear is: pregnancy. I doubt I have full out tocophobia, but I still fear the possibility of getting pregnant. When asked about future children, my mind doesn't go to "how many" but instead to "if." The TV show "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant" is like a huge nightmare. It scares the bejeebus out of me. I think (hope?) that once I am married then at some point the maternal instinct will kick in, my biological clock will begin ticking, and I will one day be ready and willing to become a baby maker. At this stage of life, though, a baby is not in the equation. Sure, I've got a ring on my finger, but the vows have not been said. 13 months until the vows are said. After that we can start talking babies.

Maybe I am more scared right now because of being engaged. Like, here I am planning for a huge life event. The idea that it could be interrupted by another huge life event is scary. I'd rather do things in a certain order, one at a time, sequentially. Not overlapping or juxtaposed.

Steven is SO excited about getting married. I can see it in the way he looks at me. Sometimes we'll be somewhere, like out at dinner, and he'll reach across the table and grab my hand and say, "Will you marry me?" like he just can't wrap his head around the fact that I already said yes. Or he wants to re-live the moment. Like, instead of "pinch me", it's "will you marry me?" A little reminder that it's really real.

I believe he will be that excited one day when we are going to have children. He will look at me with those bright shining eyes as he contemplates the fact that I am carrying his child--OUR child--and that we are going to be parents. I can imagine it. I can smile at it. And I can also pray, fervently, that it is far in the future. I am on The Pill. We are careful. But the old adage of "nothing is 100% guaranteed but abstinance..." still taunts the secret, scaredy-cat parts of my brain.

I bought a wedding dress. I keep thinking about things I need to shape up (upper body definitely!) before I wear it. It sucks when you love something in person but in photos you have doubts. It's so much easier to ignore your flaws in person than when they're immortalized.

So, here's the list. Wedding stuff!

1. Me in my dress.

2. The official dress page. I didn't get/am not getting that jacket.

3. Cute cake toppers, like this one from Etsy.